nightmares, little girls, and guilt
by buffyangelinfinitdesire
Summary: Justin ends up saying something that really hurts Alex, and he feels absolutely awful.


Alex was hurting, and that was NOT okay. He had hurt her and that was even LESS okay, because he couldn't beat the crap out of HIMSELF! Remembering the way he'd spoken to her, as if she were worthless, made him cringe with self-loathing and remorse. He could count on one hand the number of times he'd seen Alex cry in the last ten years, and it always cut right through him, but this was infinitely worse because she had never cried because of him before and that made all the difference. She was his baby sister, he was supposed to protect her from pain, not cause it! What kind of brother was he?

Sometimes she went too far, and sometimes he did, but what he'd said went so far past **too far**, it just might be unforgivable. He knew her better than anyone, even their parents, which meant he knew all of her insecurities and how to exploit them. He'd done just that, picked at all of her weaknesses until she was a sobbing mess. Alex was strong, stronger than he would ever be, but she was still human, and his opinion mattered to her more than anyone else's. Whenever she was hurt, she always ran to him, but this time it was his fault, and he'd left her with no one to lean on.

Even if by some miracle she forgave him, he seriously doubted that he'd ever forgive himself. He wasn't sure what triggered his explosion. Alex had made a minor mistake and he'd had to fix it, it was no big deal really, certainly nothing to get angry over. They were having one of their usual brother/sister arguments when he'd said it; he called her a useless parasite. Said she did nothing but hurt people and that the world would be better off without her in it. He told her she was poison, that she screwed up everything she touched and no one really wanted to be around her. He lied through his teeth because she wasn't worthless, she was priceless and worth ten times the trouble she caused.

The way that she'd looked at him would be forever burnt into his memory. Her eyes were full of hurt, confusion, worry that the words he said were true. He'd only seen her for a split second before she'd run to her room, but it was enough for the impact of what he'd done to kick in and it kicked HARD. The invincible Alex Russo had looked so **small** and _**scared**_, and it was his fault! It certainly didn't help that his explosion was only a week after he'd really believed that Alex was evil, while at the same time scoffing at the idea of her winning the Wizard Competition. She already won it; if she hadn't given it up she would be the full wizard in the family, but he'd conveniently forgotten that little detail in his _stupid_ ego trip.

His parents weren't even angry, they said that with all he'd "put up with" it was expected that at some point he would lash out. Normally his parents' rationalization would be a relief, but now it only made him angry. She was his _baby sister!_ It was his **job** to protect her and clean up her messes, and let her crawl into bed with him when she had nightmares; she hadn't done that in years, but he wouldn't mind, even if she did it now. He really had no right to lash out, because without Alex he had nothing, no purpose. He couldn't handle drifting, and that's what he would be doing without her there to ground him. He needed to be needed and, even though in the back of his mind he realized Alex was more than capable of taking care of herself, she still made him feel needed.

Max, at least had yelled at him. The three siblings were closer than their parents had ever realized. They were a family in and of themselves, and their parents were almost outsiders. Max had been furious; even though he was the youngest there was just something about Alex that made people want to protect her. Almost anyone who really knew her would lay down their lives for her without a second thought, simply because she was _Alex. _He wasn't sure exactly haw Max knew what had transpired, as Alex hadn't let anyone into her room for hours, but he really hoped that his little brother hadn't been in earshot of his cruel idiocy.

He'd been so close to using magic to get into her room, but his parents had caught him and forbidden him from using any magic in this situation. You know what? Screw them; magic was pretty much the only way to deal with Alex, which is why their parents couldn't do it. Right now he didn't give a flip about any rules; he only wanted to fix things with his sister. He flashed himself into her room and his heart protested violently at the sight he was met with. She had fallen asleep, but she was anything but peaceful. She was tossing and turning, murmuring unintelligible words, and there were tear tracks running down her cheek.

He shook her lightly to wake her up, because she could sleep through any noise, but not motion. She slowly opened her eyes, but turned away as soon as she registered that it was him. She wasn't even angry, just…_ Shattered_

"Ally, I am so sorry, I don't know what happened but I didn't mean any of it."

She wasn't convinced.

"I know you well enough to know that you don't say things you don't mean. Don't lie to me, everything you said was true. I just leech off of other people, never contributing anything. You must hate me." and with that she broke into a fresh round of tears.

His heart broke all over again.

"Never! Even if I had meant a word of that crap, I wouldn't hate you. I love you too much for that to ever be a possibility."

She looked up at him with her big, brown, red-rimmed eyes; and she was no longer an independent almost-adult, she was the little girl that would sometimes sit in his lap and hide her face in his neck. She was the girl that ran to him to kiss it better whenever she fell and scraped her knee. The same one that called him Jus'in, because t's were too hard to say. The baby that he'd looked at in awe for hours at a time when she first came home from the hospital. She was so small and fragile, and she was HIS. As he looked at her now, that fierce, possessive big brother feeling gripped him all over again, and he knew exactly what to say; the truth.

"I was jealous"

She looked beyond confused.

"Why on earth would _you_ be jealous of _me_?"

"Because you're so powerful, and free, and if you really wanted to you could probably take over the world. That scares me, because I've had to work all my life to be as good at magic as I am, and when it really matters, you top it every time. You don't just have magic, you are magic. Every life you touch is just that much brighter and more colorful, and that's what you contribute. You make the world better by just existing in it. I excel in magic because you give me a reason to. I try because you make me feel like I matter, like what I do makes a difference. I need you twice as much as you need me, so if anyone is a parasite, it's me."

She didn't say anything; she just buried her face in his chest, like she did when she was little, and had a nightmare; needing him to provide safety and comfort.

That's how their parents found them the next morning, tangled up in each other as they'd always been, and how they would always be.

No matter what happened, he had made a promise to himself and to her when he was two years old, he'd promised to always watch over her, and he didn't break his promises.

_**Please Review!**_


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